Reports have come from Capri that the marital difficulties of our Emperor Commodus have been ended by a very virulent and very localized epidemic of food poisoning. Among the victims are the Emperor's wife Crispina and his sister Lucilla. In fact, the only victims were these two thorns in the imperial posterior. Lucilla had been on enforced vacation on Capri since the attempt last year on our Emperor's life, and Crispina relocated to the island several months later after having been accused of entertaining certain visitors too enthusiastically.

Our emperor can't be too heartbroken over this tragedy. His sister and his wife had been rivals since he gained the throne upon his father's death. Marcus Aurelius did well by his children, designating Commodus as his heir and marrying Lucilla to his co-emperor Lucius Verus. Lucilla thus gained the title of Augusta, a title she continued to enjoy after Verus' death. She enjoyed it so much that she annoyed the hell out of Commodus' wife Crispina, who felt that two Augustas were one Augusta too many. A feeling that Lucilla evidently shared.

When sharing her bed with her brother didn't make her sole Augusta, Lucilla went to the opposite extreme and plotted to assassinate Commodus. The chosen assassin however had a taste for the dramatic and after drawing a dagger in the Imperial presence, proceeded to give a little speech about why he was killing Commodus - a speech which gave the guards time to disarm the would-be actor. The fool was dispatched to Hades and Lucilla was dispatched to Capri.

After Crispina's indiscretions got her sent to Capri as well, the two imperial exiles found they had a lot in common (we can safely assume the Emperor was a frequent topic of conversation). And now they have yet another common feature. Having shared titles, the Emperor and exile, the two ladies now share a terminal date on their memorials.